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Long time no update [29 Aug 2002|10:29am]
[ mood | blah ]

It's been too long since I've updated. I've been feeling so blah. Being pregnant has gotten to me. I'm not enjoying it all that much. I miss everyone. I think I'm going to stay in New York after the VMA's. Then I can see everyone, hopefully. I haven't seen or talked to anyone lately. Not even Nick.

I'll be seeing everyone at the VMA's... Chirssy (who I miss dearly), Justin, hopefully the other guys, Anna. It'll be great. It'll be great to get away from my family. Momma's being all overprotective and concerned, since being pregnant has gotten me pretty sick. It's made me really depressed, too. I cry a lot more than I used to. I have to use waterproof make-up all the time now, otherwise my make-up would look horrible. Of course, I haven't worn any make-up in about a week now. I don't feel like getting dressed up just to sit around the house.

God, I need to do something to get my mind off of everything.

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Driving in a fast car... [04 Aug 2002|02:08am]
[ mood | drained ]

I went for a drive down the coast tonight. I didn't have anywhere to be, and no one was at home waiting for me, and I didn't have to worry about anyone else but myself. It was actually quite nice. Not having anyone else to think about or worry about, and to just be on my own. I missed it. You're the only one you have to worry about, and the rest of the people don't matter. I like it that way.

I parked by a cliff, and looked down at the ocean and thought about jumping into it. But then I decided that I it wouldn't be worth it. I'll show all of those fuckers who think they can hurt me. I don't need anyone else in my life. I'll be single and happy, and proud of it. And my baby, well, we'll see how things turn out with him. And I'll see how things turn out with Nick. I wouldn't mind being with him. Not at all.

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Sick and crying [01 Aug 2002|11:51am]
[ mood | sick ]

I'm on vacation with Christina, and all would be wonderful if it weren't for the fact that I keep on getting sick. I'm usually ok in the afternoons, but in the morning and evenings, I get sick. And that's my only problem. I feel fine otherwise. I'm fearing that I'm pregnant. I'd love it if I was, because I do want a baby, but I don't know if I want one right now. And I'm single. Well, in the eyes of the world I'm single. I hate having a relationship that I have to keep hidden. It's such a horrible weight on your shoulders. I really miss Nick right now. I want someone who's bigger and stronger than me to hold me and.. just protect me. That's all I want right now. To be held in someone's arms and to feel loved and protected. I want Nick. *cries* Nick, if you are reading this, I'm gonna call you later. We need to talk.

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Full Circle [23 Jul 2002|04:12am]
[ mood | content ]

I'm in love. Actually, I've never fallen out of love with this person. How can you fall out of love with someone you've loved since before you knew what love was? I might have been a bitch and said I didn't love... this person anymore, but I was lying. Not being with them was hard enough; to not love them would probably have destroyed me. Love consumes you, and it becomes part of who you are. This love was very much a part of my soul, and I would have died if I had fallen out of love with them.

I should feel guilty about this, because I'm hurting someone else. I'm truly sorry about that. I feel so bad for Nick. He's a sweetheart, and deserves someone to love him.

I'm going to talk to him as soon as I can. But for now, I'm going back to Christina's arms. *smiles* Yeah, you heard me right. Christina. We're back together.

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I Eloped [13 Jul 2002|02:06pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Last night, after Nick picked me up at the airport, we went to a carnival, rode a few rides, he won me a giant teddy bear, and then we went on the Ferris Wheel and kissed. *sighs dreamily* I've always wanted to be kissed at the top of a a Ferris Wheel.

Then we went to the beach, and he had a picnic set up for us.

Then, we flew to Vegas and got married. I'm Mrs. Britney Carter now. *giggles* And it's a real marriage.

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Romance [12 Jul 2002|01:36am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Ashley came to NC tonight to see me, and then we hung at and watched sappy romantic comedies and ate jumk food. After she left, I did a lot of thinking about everything. *sighs* Thinking about stuff really gets to you, you know? But I decided one thing.


*giggles* Yep, I do. I've been partying as much as I can, and I'll pick up random guys and chicks and sleep with them. I need more romance in my life.

*laughs* I talked to Anna, too, and she talked to Nick. And then he sent me some flowers. And I called him. And we're going out, tonight actually. *giggles* He's a sweet heart, and I'm sure our date will be fun.

I think my days of one night stands might be over soon. I'm hoping they will be. *giggles*

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Life [07 Jul 2002|01:56am]
[ mood | awake ]

My concert tonight rocked. It was wonderful *laughs* I'm on this total high from it. And it's four in the morning! Hehe. The concert went great, my fans are wonderful, and the world is just beautiful. I love the nighttime. And sunrise is soon. Can't wait to see that.

I talked to my mom after the concert. That might be why I'm so hyper. We talked for hours. I told her how I felt about her pushing me into getting a boyfriend, and that I really didn't want one at the time. And she told me that she was sorry for doing it, and that she was just trying to help me, and that she'd never interfere in my love life again. And then we got around to Christina, and me being bi and stuff. And she said she was so happy I came out! When I asked her why she was yelling at me when I came out to her, she shook her head and said that it wasn't me coming out, it was me dating, and dating so soon into coming out. She never did like Christina that much, which makes sense, and also, she's right about me rushing into everything. I've known I was bi for some time, but I'd basically pushed my attraction for girls to the back of my mind, and never admitted it to anyone. I really shouldn't have just rushed head first into the relationship without thinking about things.

Well, I think I need to get to sleep *laughs* Luckily my next concert isn't until the 9th

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Single once again [04 Jul 2002|01:35am]
[ mood | drunk ]

That's me. Single and swinging. I talked to Anna and Justin last night, and realized a few things. First off, I don't want a relationship that where I don't trust my partner. And I don't think I loved Christina as much as I should have.

I went clubbing tonight, and ended up dancing with Justin and Alecia... and one thing lead to another, and we ended up at her house. *grin* It was wonderful. Alecia is totally hot. Afterward, Alecia, Mya, and Anna went and had a girls night out. That was quite interesting. Love you guys! *kisses*

I'm gonna try to talk to my mom and explain things to her. I'm bi, and she's gonna have to accept that. I just hope she doesn't hate me anymore.

I should miss Chrissy, but strangely enough, I don't. I miss knowing that I have someone to come home to and hold and kiss all the time. I miss having someone. But then, I missed having someone since I found out about Christina and Justin. I think our relationship was over then.

But hey, I'm single now. Hehe. Time to go party!

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The last to know... [03 Jul 2002|12:09am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Why does it always seem like I'm the last to know everything? *sigh* (Because my writer's a damn airhead *slaps writer a few times*) It seems like I was the last to know what happened between Justin and Christina the other night.

It hurt so much when I did find out. It felt like my heart had been ripped out. And I was so pissed. My girlfriend and my ex-boyfriend, who's supposed to be one of my best friends. I couldn't believe it. I wanted nothing more than to beat the shit out of Justin. And Christina.
And then when they explained excatly what happend, I was even angerier. Not so much at Justin, but at Christina. How could she do that to me? I love her, and trusted her so much. And then she went and destroyed that trust. I talked to both of them last night, and I've forgiven them, but I sure as hell don't trust either of them as much. It'll take time for that to happen.

I did have something else I was gonna say, but I can't remember now. *sigh* I just want to take a nice long hot bath and go to sleep. I did a lot of thinking today, and damn, I'm so tired now.

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[29 Jun 2002|09:18pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I came out to my mother yesterday, before the opening of NYLA. I don't think I ever saw her get so angry. And she said things and called me names I didn't even think she knew. It really hurt. And she sent Jaimie-Lynn home, to get her away from me, for fear that I'll corrupt her. Of course, she used words a hell of lot harsher. I cried at that. But I don't really care. She should be happy for me, that I found someone I love, not upset and mad. The only thing that really got to me was when she started insulting Christina, calling her a skanky tramp and saying that she made me bi, and all this other stuff. I told her to shut up then, and walked out on her. And now, a day later, she's telling me I have to find a boyfriend, to cover up anything. I knew it. And she'll probably be on my case until I do get a bread. Excuse me while I scream! *screams*

Ok, all better now. I can't wait for tomorrow. Chrissy's kidnapping me and we're going to Louisiana for my little break. I'm not sure if I should invite her to visit Joey or not. I don't know the entire story between her and Anna, and lord knows I don't want to cause any problems. But I'm still coming up, Joey!

I think my high from the concert is finally wearing off, because I'm beat all of a sudden.

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Song writin [27 Jun 2002|12:59am]
[ mood | crazy ]

I wrote a song last night for Christina. *laughs* I suppose I can tell everyone now. We're dating *grins*. And I'm so incredibly happy.

I wrote this after we talked about coming out and everything. We decided just to come out to our friends and family for now. So around everyone else, I've got a little secret.

I still have to tell my family. Lord knows how they're going to take it. Momma's probably gonna pressure me even more into getting a boyfriend to cover this up, "so you don't accidently slip up, honey, and tell the world" will be her words. Or something like it. *laughs* She'll say he's just a cover up, but I know she'll actually want me to date him and all that shit. *sigh* I'm too dead tired to deal with it now. I'll deal with it when the time comes.

My Little SecretCollapse )

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Secrets [25 Jun 2002|12:59pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

I've got secrets. *laughs* And I've actually gotta keep my mouth shut this time. But I want to tell everyone. *sigh* It'll be so hard to not say anything. But it's all good. I'm so incredibly happy about it.

*sighs* I gotta jet now. Stupid annoying interviews.

Chrissy, girl, it was wonderful talking to you. We need to do it again.


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Days off [19 Jun 2002|02:49am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Even though I have 4 days off, I still don't get my peace. Mom decided to come home with me, which means that everyone else had to come, too. I don't them... ok, yeah, I do. I wanted to be able to have a whole bunch of peace and quiet so I could relax. But luckily, Mom and Jamie-Lynn decided to go shopping Monday and I decided not to go, so I had the entire day free to sleep! And do nothing. And that's excatly what I did. It was so much fun *giggles* I know why JC likes to sleep so much.

Mom's still on my case about getting a new boyfriend. I'd like one, but damn, I'm not going to date someone I'm not attracted to. I did that with Justin. I love him, and he's one of my best friends, but he's like my brother. I don't want to sleep with my brother. I wish she would just leave me alone about it already. I'm going out tomorrow, so I won't have to hear her. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, I just know I'm going out.


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[16 Jun 2002|10:18pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I have a nice long break of 4 days! A whole 4 days. And, surprise of surprises, I'm actually free for most of them. I'm going to Los Angeles so I can sleep in my own bed.

I'll be so happy to be home. I love my family, but at times they just get overbearing, pushy, demandind, and all I want is my peace. Mom's been on my case to find another boyfriend, "someone in the business" since J and I broke up. We'ce argued about it so many times. I told her I didn't want a boyfriend right now, but does she listen to me? No *rolls eyes*.

When I'm in LA, she'll be back home in Lousiana, so I'll be free from her and her prying for a few days. I'm gonna look people up when I get there. Hopefully someone's in town.


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